Remember when I described our first day in the new place? Or maybe you remember how the animals tried to intimidate us, and then the plants attacked too? Of course, the house really took the situation up a notch when it actively used my dreams against us.
The house’s next move is beyond all that.
Between me and The S.O. we have one car. It’s a nice, well-maintained 2005 Honda Element. We are lucky enough to have a detached garage, so the car goes in there. Sometimes we lock the car, sometimes not. Sometimes we roll the windows up, sometimes we don’t. The garage is a pretty safe place from burglary, so we don’t worry about it too much.
The other day, I needed to run some errands. Off I go into the garage. I find the windows rolled down in the car, no big deal, we do that all the time. I had an appointment in South Sac so I jumped on the freeway, blasted the radio and began singing along.
Suddenly this big black thing dropped from the passenger side visor. It stopped and hung in mid-air. My palms turned sweaty, my stomach flip-flopped, my ears started ringing … it can’t …. be … it’s a freakin’ BLACK WIDOW!
How did I know it was a black widow? Well, as I tried to ignore the sickening lurches of fear in my stomach the freeway began to curve.
I needed to turn the steering wheel (you know, in order to not cause an accident). Without getting into the physics of motion, etc., let’s just say that the spider began SWINGING side to side in mid-air. I got a very good look at this spider’s belly and its vibrant red hourglass:

I had enough presence of mind to realize that any further jerks or spasms on my part would bring that red hourglass up-close and personal with my face. I managed to remain in control of my body (no jerking), but I had to stay inside the white lines!!! OH MY GOD!
Finally, the freeway straightened out. I figured this was my chance to get off the road. I turned my blinker on, kept both hands on the left side of the steering wheel, pressed the side of my face almost up against the window and began changing lanes while keeping one eye on the spider.
Remember that whole physics of motion thing? Yeah, that happened again. I spent a horrifying couple of minutes attempting to imperceptibly change lanes without increasing the swinging. Then, even when I left the freeway, I had to stop at a red light. This motion, combined with the side-to-side motion the black widow was already engaged in, sent the spider into a horrifying circle. During each revolution, I figured this was it, she was going to jump, or extend her silk and end up on my face. Lucky for me she didn’t.
I turned (careful, careful, watch the swinging!) onto a side street. I stopped and exploded out of the car. In my hurry, I fell and skinned my knee, but that’s ok because I ESCAPED THE BLACK WIDOW!
After my breath returned and the whole vomity feeling went away, I walked around to the passenger side of the car, yanked the door open, held my hefty Thomas Brothers Guide in both hands and whacked that spider to death against my dashboard.
Now we ALWAYS leave the car windows rolled up tight.
Some interesting facts about the black widow:
- Black widows are considered the most venomous spiders in North America.
- A black widow’s venom is 15 times stronger than a rattlesnake’s.
- The only reason the black widow venom is not likely to kill you is because a bite from a black widow releases a very small amount of venom compared to a rattlesnake.
- But the black widow’s venom can be fatal, especially to small children, the elderly and the infirm.
- Black widows really like mosquitoes and are a natural way to keep the mosquito population in check, but is it really worth the potential bite?
- Oh yeah, chickens love to eat mosquitoes AND black widows!
I don’t plan to let the chickens in the car, but I may let them roam more of the backyard to encourage a thorough clean-up job.